poem book 4
(long poem version)

1
i wish i was you
to be loved like that
wanted like that
i’ve always craved
you take having for granted
but im dying of thirst
your kiss is silent
with no meaning
no words
no feeling
my kiss is filled
but draining
should be silent
shouldn’t feel2
did i do something wrong?
did my words carry along a tweaked message?
should i be begging for forgiveness?
should i give you every part of myself in return?
what do i do now?
what do i say to make you smile again?
how do i give you joy?
how do i erase myself from your existence?
please tell me what i did
please i’ll do anything
please tell me what to do
please i’ll disappear for you
i’ll delete my words for you
i’ll cover my feelings for you
i’ll bury my thoughts for you
i’ll drown on my tears for you
just don’t hate me
just don’t take it all away
just don’t talk about me to others
just don’t hurt me
.
did i write something wrong?3
i love to lie
i wont hurt myself
but i drag metaphorical daggers against my skin
i’ll never disappear
though i’ll try my absolute best to fade
it’ll be okay
i’ve never experienced that feeling before
you didn’t upset me
i fell to the floor gasping in sobs
i’ll keep going
im planning on leaving tomorrow
i need to lie4
there’s something very wrong with me
a dangerous flaw overlooked
it lingers in my brain
and hides in my words
i bury it with actions
and listen to affirmations
but it’s still present
and will not go away
the only way to ruin it
is to ruin myself
to stop it’s spreading growth
by hurting the source
but i fear it is too late now
i’ve made too many connections
i can’t burn myself
without burning this ties
how do i hurt myself
without hurting others?
how do i tell them
it’s for their own good?5
in truth
i don’t think love is for me
the warm sensation of joy
it fades away at a single taste
i grasp and i reach
i keep clinging to strings
faint red lines
promising promises
i fall to the floor
with only one touch
i broke all my hearts
and still climb for the rush
the travel is for nothing
and i know that well
love never came easy
so it must not be mine
everyone else gets their veins
flooded with pink and red
im draining my veins
so i don’t hope anymore6
can we just run away?
all these aches in my mind
they’ll disappear when we do
i’ll treat you better than myself
as long as you come with me
i don’t want them to look at us
or judge how we feel
they can’t see us if we leave
i’ll come closer to your shadow
we can do anything we wish
i’ll walk with you forever
please just get me out of here
i cant stay in these walls
can’t you realize
that i can feel it closing in?
and i can touch
the failure i’ll become?
can we just run away?

7
touch me then
take me for a night
control me
tell me you want me
make me believe it
infiltrate me
it’s not love
it’s not like
it’s pure greed
but you chose me
and that’s enough
for right now
im plaguing your mind
i cast a spell
as i hide who i am
fill in the cracks
of my broken heart
with lies and touches
my bitter destruction8
i hope you know i didn’t mean it
after a week or two i came down with an idea
you didn’t notice how i executed my plan
slowly but surely and with every step hidden
but you didn’t follow through like i expected
and i fell into cowardly behavior
so i try every month now to break away
desperately i convince you of my realizations
yet i always fall into your trap of sweet words
my weaknesses overpower my strength
and i resort to giving up to you
one day i hope i will succeed
and you’ll never see me again
it won’t take you long to regret who i am
and our connection will soon disappear
all of these words i exchange with you
i hope you know i didn’t mean to involve you
for being close to me will cut you on glass
the sharp glass of a shattered heart9
i am so far deep
lost in your eyes
captured by your smile
enthralled by your laugh
oh you are like a sunshine
that i have never seen before
you send sparkles through my heart
such joy i’ve never felt
i could stay here forever
just feeling like a fool
i know you’ll turn away
but i’ll keep these memories close
you don’t need me like i need you
you’ll never want me the same
but i’d let you hurt me a thousand times
before i forget you10
dark nights
hold my hand
take the pain away
with a single touch
i’ll be okay
now that im with you
you’ll be okay
i’ll make sure of it
stars glisten
look at me
and hear my words
it’s only a dream
but i’ll make it real
for as long as i can
i’ll take you here11
i longed for the moment when i was a kid
true love’s first kiss should never disappoint
he kissed me in a crowded hallway
the faces blurred along with my focus
my cheeks turned red as my dreams came true
i kept the feeling on a loop in my heart
my childhood spirit didn’t die down
i kept my hope in the months to come
i needed that kiss again and again
so i gave up my body for the warmth of love
but he kissed me in the basement and there was no spark
i did what he wanted but the supposed fireworks felt like gunshots
i chased for the feeling of rosy cheeks and dizzy memories
i found regret and dirt covering parts of my skin
my childhood self must have cried that day
i lock my dreams in a box now12
your warmth is indescribable
following me in dreams
catching me in nightmares
i feel the sunshine around me
you envelop my thoughts
basking them in warm light
you distract me from the cold
the harsh ground i fall on
breaking a frozen heart
i feel like i’ve escaped to shelter
when you talk to me
your words feel like home13
i don’t know why it hurts
i just feel it aching throughout
it’s weakness and it’s cold
it infiltrates my thoughts
i can feel it following my veins
i don’t know if i can stop it
it’s sharp and it’s calculated
it knows how to attack
there is no way out
there is no way out
there is no way out
there is no way out14
why would i move from my bed when i don’t deserve to breathe?
every breath is a reminder that i am poison to those around me
i am selfish enough to keep breathing anyways
is it okay if i just stay here alone for a while?
i won’t move and spread my poison even further
my spot on these blankets won’t change and you’ll be free from me
what are you doing?
i’ll hurt you every step you take get away from me
your words are naive lies that are designed to sting me
don’t try to help me.
isn’t it enough proof that i cry at nothing?
you don’t want to be the one i turn to do you?15
im losing myself in you
is this a good or bad moment?
i feel like im drowning
but is this right for me?
is this a happy ending?
im crying again
should i be this close?
im thinking again
don’t try to rescue me
this is what i deserve
look into my eyes
hearts like these deserve less
im losing myself in them
it’s how it should be
i feel like im drowning
let go of my hand

16
i know where we can go
you’ll never come with me
i long for you to
you’ll deny my words
who am i talking to?
who is listening?
follow me please
take me away
i know where we can go
i’ll hold you close
i need you with me
i’ll keep it a secret
who are you leaving with?
who are you leaving to?17
i want to know
can i touch you?
your hands i admire
can i hold them?
i want to feel you’re here
can i rest my head on your chest?
oh and your hair looks beautiful
can i play with it?
you look so kissable today
can i kiss you?
i really need you here
can i hug you?
i love who you are
can i touch you?18
i dream of want
of shining stars and bright lights
my name repeated on lips
gifts sent to my door
to forgive all that i was never given
a smile that stares into me
words that reach not just the surface
a kiss no one will regret
one i wont cry about later on
i’d be the first one on a mind
and the last one before a sleep
the most important part of day
that won’t be smudged into dust
being held through a storm
walked with through a dream
the one to be leaned on
i won’t let go
disappear without me
don’t be the same when i leave
miss me and my name
like they never did
i dream of being wanted19
Oh i can’t write anymore
my brain, it doesn’t
it can’t
there’s nothing more to say
it hurts
it’s painful
i hate the mirror
i hate it
no more poetry
no more songs
i lay in darkness20
everywhere i turn
there are spikes
sticking out from walls
they prick me
i remind myself
not to go that direction
but everywhere i turn
there are spikes
there is no safety
from the stinging sensation
the poison of my mistakes
it hurts
it hurts so bad
your voice
is hurting me
please stop
i’ll try better
why am i not good enough for you?
why are you still pricking me?21
without me your heart would still grow
wouldn’t it?
your legs would move faster
and your ambitions would shine
and your smile would be long lasting
wouldn’t it?
no sadness to see when you walk in a room
the frown i wear nonexistent
it would’ve been better if i wasn’t born
wouldn’t it?
i cause tears and strains
on something already ripped
so maybe it’s time to leave
isn’t i?
fix the mistakes i made by breathing
with an everlasting sleep22
im so afraid of poisoning you
injecting your thoughts with bits of worry
my framed image is a cursed one
and you shouldn’t hang it up anymore
you’ll realize what you didn’t have when i leave
and with me i’ll take the shattered glass
i’ll use it to leak out my poison
to try to remedy my being
but my mistakes are stained into my bones
nothing can erase the shameful effects
the pain is what i deserve
but even that is not enough
so what do i do then?
i’ll leave you and i’ll leave my pride
i’ll leave my life at the door too
that is the last step to take23
don’t smile at me like you did
your smile is different now
and don’t talk to me like that
your words are false
it’s not your fault im weak
and i fell too hard
it’s your fault for coming closer
and trying to help me up
im different than you
i fake my nonchalant
but i wilt on the inside
while your laugh echoes
don’t laugh at me like you did
your laugh is painful now
don’t use your voice like that
i’ll fall and break my bones24
we changed
no, we’re still far apart
our universes differ
that hasn’t changed
but your smile is back
and mine drained away
my hand feels empty
and my mind vacant
it wasn’t supposed to be like this
you were supposed to be my forever
but i suppose even the imaginary
need to live their best lives
you deserve that wonderful laugh
as your memories heal over and over
i’ll stand on the sidelines
being so proud of you
im sorry i get worse
when you get better
i still think about the house we want
and the matching rings we made
i don’t have motivation to stand
as you regain the ability to run
you remember our promises
and our nightly routines
i wish we didn’t change
i miss the connection from afar
our universes are too far gone
i miss you

25
bright lights
poison liquid
lose my feeling of sight
lose my feeling of taste
shaky hands
numb legs
lose my feeling of movement
lose my feeling of move
breathing slowed
dizzy thoughts
lose my feeling of
lose my feeling
im lost
im lost
i lost
i lose